I always thought dropping out of college was the easy way out. I hardcore judged anyone who didn’t further their education or go to some fancy big name school. I lived up to my expectation. I went to The Ohio State University with a nice academic scholarship and spot on the varsity rowing team. I was there for a semester. Then I left to go to school at home.
Those four months at Ohio State were the best worst months of my life. I had 30 hours of practice and 16 hours of classes not to mention the five hours I had cut out for my scholars program and the other five I had cut out for Saturday football games. I was going to bed after midnight and waking up before dawn every single day. I was exhausted all the time but I was absolutely in love with everything on my plate. Sure all of my engineering classes were difficult and practice was killing my body but they made me happy. Ohio State is where I made some of my best friends and created amazing memories.
Then I transferred. I went to UTC because of a mixture of financial and medical problems. I compared everything back to Ohio State. The semester I spent at UTC was miserable and it was all my fault.
So I decided to return to The Promise Land. I drove back to Columbus with my car full of all of my Ohio State gear, clothing and bedding. I was ready to move in… And then I decided not to.
I dropped out of college because I couldn’t afford it. I also wasn’t going to be rowing so what was the point?
I thought dropping out of college was easy. I thought I would be able to find a decent job and make enough money to return to Ohio State in spring. Dropping out isn’t easy. It is anything but easy. The fact is you need a college degree to even be considered for most jobs. I mean the only jobs I can find are in the fast food industry or at walmart.
So here I am. I’m living with my parents. I work for my Dad’s company. Most of my friends from home are away at school and the ones that are here are busy. We’re all busy. I’m stuck in this giant rut. To make that rut a little deeper, my fellow teammates at Ohio State received their championship rings this week. I’m REALLY proud of them for winning first place and everything but seeing all their pictures of diamond studded ruby red rings on instagram breaks my heart.
So here I am. I’m living with my parents. I don’t have a real job. My friends are hundreds of miles away. My rowing career is over. My life is pathetic.
So I go on facebook and look at what everyone is up to. I’ve gotten past all the pictures of championship rings to see my best friend in a picture with Josh Radnor, aka Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother. I continue scrolling to see that another group of friends just ran the Columbus Marathon. I scroll past a few memes to see that I have friends in Los Angelos and New York City… One of my high school classmates is engaged, another pregnant, another just married.
That’s the problem with facebook, it makes everyone else’s lives seem so perfect. No one lives a perfect life. We all get stuck in a rut sometimes. Facebook just doesn’t show our flaws because we don’t want the world to know that we too are broken.
Today, I realized that my life was a complete mess.
My cashier asked me why I looked so sad at the store today and I didn’t realize I even looked sad. Is it that obvious that a complete stranger could tell I wasn’t happy? I gave her some response about just being tired and she asked what I was doing with my life… I’ve been getting these questions a lot lately. Are you going to school? Are you working? Are you still rowing? Etc.
When people ask you these questions and your life is going great it’s easy to tell them all about your life. However, today, when my cashier was talking to me, I completely lost it. My life is a complete disaster. I mean had you told me a year ago that this is where I would be today I would’ve laughed and told you that you were crazy (and I probably would’ve done everything in my power to prevent it.) It’s hard to tell people when you’re struggling. It’s hard to ask for support and love. It’s hard to admit you need help.
I bottle up my emotions until one day I break.
“When life gives us pain, we Buckeyes take that pain and we push it down, and if that pain starts to come up again, we push more pain down on top of it. Why confront something if we can avoid it, right?” -Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
I’m not really sure what caused my emotional breakdown today at the store but it happened and I admit defeat. I can’t hold onto all of this pain any longer. All of the pain that I’ve been pushing down for the past year has come up but this time I’m not pushing it back down, I’m confronting it. This buckeye can’t push anymore pain down.
I’m ready to confront all of my problems and figure out how to get myself out of this one. LEH’S GO.
And how about that targeting call from Saturday’s game? Was that total BS or what??